I’ve noticed a lot of people I’ve met in the kink community have immersed themselves into the lifestyle so deeply they don’t have an abundance of vanilla friends left.
It’s taken a couple of years being in the kink lifestyle to figure it out, but I believe I’ve experienced first-hand why this happens.
Finding my people was an eye-opening, where-has-this-been-my-whole-life experience, and yes, I might have been vegan-like about it with my friends as I delved deeper into it, but it’s hard not to when you find something powerful enough to change your life.
I learned that my people were not only into BDSM, but also polyamory, open relationships, and were comprised of just about every gender and sexual orientation imaginable. This wide-open, you-be-you culture grabbed me by the boo boo and squeezed me just right. It brought on a deep smile for me. The kind of smile people around you see even when the corners of your lips aren’t reaching for your ears.
Over the past few years I’ve found most of my vanilla friends to be generally more accepting of the BDSM aspects of my lifestyle than the open/polyamorous part of it.
The idea that being chained up and beaten is easier for some to grasp than simply having more than one partner just fascinates me, but that’s been my experience.
Things I have been told during conversations about kink with vanilla folk in my life:
“I don’t want to have to get my dick twisted in a vice to get off.”
“Well, that’s just stupid.”
“Why?” (Said with a snarled up face)
And…
“She has other boyfriends?” (Followed by a chuckle)
It’s that last one that really stomps on my ingrown toenail. This one is about something more than just play time.
This statement is dismissive of the relationship(s) on which your entire being is built.
I was about six months into my current open/poly relationship. I say open/poly because she’s more polyamorous, and I’m more of an open-leaning person. She wants boyfriends. I’m more interested in play partners. It’s a complicated dynamic, but we make it work.
My friend was also in a fresh relationship with a woman he pursued for months before gaining monogamous traction with her.
While talking around the campfire we were both basking in that early-stage glow of love, and espousing how much we loved our new partners.
I told him how great my girlfriend was, and how awesome it was that he found a great partner too.
Earlier in the day we talked about the kink elements of my life, and the topic ran its course… or so I thought.
As we talked about how great life is with a good partner, he said a couple of things that I didn’t expect, “Well, we have a REAL relationship,” and, “We don’t need to have other people involved to be satisfied. We are enough for each other.”
C’mon, man.
My relationship isn’t real?
It sure feels like it is to me.
I let it slide without saying anything because it was the night of a Saturday spent day drinking in the woods.
Kink is a subculture because it isn’t for the masses.
I know this.
I don’t expect vanilla folks to embrace its many facets with wide-open, untainted-by-bias arms.
It just hurts when it’s a friend you confide in who is dismissive and judgmental about it.
This particular situation really hurt because this person was part of my life long before I found my kink tribe. He saw first hand how finding my people changed my disposition. He saw it improve my life.
He hasn’t said anything else about it since that night, but I know the thoughts are there. The great bourbon spirits told me so.
This isn’t an isolated incident.
I recently had similar conversation with another vanilla friend.
He too recently found himself in a new relationship and was aglow with the vibes that come along with that. I told him how happy I was for him, and welcomed him back to the world of being with a partner that makes life great again.
He too was there when I found my tribe, and saw first-hand how it positively affected me.
This conversation was via text:
Him: She demands nothing, she cooks for me and treats me like a king. Not used to that.
Me: I do the cooking haha, but mine does me right too. I didn’t expect so much care taking being the s in a D/s relationship. It’s awesome when you find the right person.
Him: I just watched her heat up food for a homeless guy in her neighborhood. That is the most attractive trait I see. Sorry, but the love of Christ and the true one who distributes that is awesome.
Sorry?
Sorry for what?
With one word, he diminished my entire relationship. There is no other reason to put that word in there, but to be dismissive of something previously said.
I just let this one be too.
Sometimes there is no point in trying to argue or educate… again.
I believe this might be why many of the kinksters I know have very few vanilla friends. It’s sometimes hard to maintain relationships because one of the key elements of friendship is being able to share life experiences. If you can’t share experiences without being negatively judged, then the relationship really isn’t any more intimate than the one you have with the guy who works in the cubicle adjacent yours at the office.
Friends come and go in life. Very few stick with you for the duration.
There is no point putting energy into maintaining something that diminishes the depth of your smile.
The conversation with my Christian friend wasn’t a total bummer. It pulled from the depths of my soul a small touch of vanilla I extracted from church as a child, and I have adopted it as mantra.
I will let my light shine for others to see.
I will show them my happiness.
I will show them my contentment.
I will show them the peace I have within myself, my relationship, and my tribe.
Like an alcohol-soaked towel set ablaze upon my stomach, I will light up the dungeon of life with my flame. It will take more than leather straps or chains to stop me.
Embrace your flame.
Don’t worry about those who can’t take the heat it exudes.
The right moth will come along, and that moth will probably bring friends.
